Rant 0000 0010, August 25, 2001
Gary Condit, Backstreet Boys, and other mistakes of society.
A.J. Maclean of the Backstreet Boys just got out of rehab, and the band is
officially back on tour. Ewww. You know, I was really hoping they'd just
break up right then and there... I mean, SURE, they're getting loads of
money and crap from performing all over the globe, but you know what? Soon
they're just going to amusingly fizzle out and die. Much like Hanson did
(thank GOD). But that wasn't all that was worthy of the CNN Headline News
this morning... it was time for the daily Gary Condit report. UGH. Why must
EVERY mass media entity spend so much time obsessing over Gary Condit and
Chandra Levy? I mean, for spackle's sake... so an intern he was having an
affair with disappeared. So what? Does the nation NEED to be so concerned
about the idiot? Sheesh. Remember how so much flak went out about O.J.
Simpson? It didn't do any good, and the murderous lil' goober just moved to
Kendall (in fact, he lives about a block away from the north side of Miami-Dade Community College Kendall
Campus) to continue the hunt for the 'real killer' ....
But anyway, enough about Simpson. I think it's about time to do something
about this relentless Gary Condit blather. I have two ideas on how to stop
it...
1. Voice-recognition
bombs. In the middle of the night, someone could sneak into the studios of
every TV news station's studios, and plant a shaped charge of C4 plastic
explosive hooked up to a small microcontroller trained to recognize the news
anchorpersons' voices. If (when) one of them mentioned the name "Gary
Condit", their remains would have to be scrubbed off the set with harsh
abrasive cleansers.
2. Also, to prevent those stupid paparrazi-like swarms of media people from
chasing Condit around attempting unwelcome interviews, I propose that all TV
stations' remote vans be equipped with GPS-triggered explosives... Remember
the movie 'Speed', in which a bomb was placed on a bus that would detonate
if its speed dropped below 55 mph? If one of those stupid news crew remote
vans attempted to
stop in any location marked in a database of Gary Condit's known locations,
like his home, workplace, local supermarket, etc... the field crew members
would have to be identified by their dental records.
Good ideas, are they not?