Rant 0000 0010, August 25, 2001
Gary Condit, Backstreet Boys, and other mistakes of society.

A.J. Maclean of the Backstreet Boys just got out of rehab, and the band is officially back on tour. Ewww. You know, I was really hoping they'd just break up right then and there... I mean, SURE, they're getting loads of money and crap from performing all over the globe, but you know what? Soon they're just going to amusingly fizzle out and die. Much like Hanson did (thank GOD). But that wasn't all that was worthy of the CNN Headline News this morning... it was time for the daily Gary Condit report. UGH. Why must EVERY mass media entity spend so much time obsessing over Gary Condit and Chandra Levy? I mean, for spackle's sake... so an intern he was having an affair with disappeared. So what? Does the nation NEED to be so concerned about the idiot? Sheesh. Remember how so much flak went out about O.J. Simpson? It didn't do any good, and the murderous lil' goober just moved to Kendall (in fact, he lives about a block away from the north side of Miami-Dade Community College Kendall Campus) to continue the hunt for the 'real killer' ....
But anyway, enough about Simpson. I think it's about time to do something about this relentless Gary Condit blather. I have two ideas on how to stop it...

1. Voice-recognition bombs. In the middle of the night, someone could sneak into the studios of every TV news station's studios, and plant a shaped charge of C4 plastic explosive hooked up to a small microcontroller trained to recognize the news anchorpersons' voices. If (when) one of them mentioned the name "Gary Condit", their remains would have to be scrubbed off the set with harsh abrasive cleansers.
2. Also, to prevent those stupid paparrazi-like swarms of media people from chasing Condit around attempting unwelcome interviews, I propose that all TV stations' remote vans be equipped with GPS-triggered explosives... Remember the movie 'Speed', in which a bomb was placed on a bus that would detonate if its speed dropped below 55 mph? If one of those stupid news crew remote vans attempted to stop in any location marked in a database of Gary Condit's known locations, like his home, workplace, local supermarket, etc... the field crew members would have to be identified by their dental records.

Good ideas, are they not?