It's been far too long since I've been a rude evil bastard to any vast groups of individuals. I think it's about time to continue the tradition now.

I'm really starting to get annoyed with all these news headlines about the Sober worm. (Since this is not a dynamic document, I'll probably write it, upload it, and never change it again. However, feel free to replace Sober with the current worm 'o' the day.)

I propose that all these headlines be changed immediately to the following:

People Are Still Smegging Cracktards!

Let me explain my reasoning behind this before you try to tell me to STFU.

Malicious code is nothing new. It's been an issue on computer systems for a very, very long time. The fact is, there are some people out there in the world who find it enjoyable to write destructive, self-replicating software, and this makes the computing experience a pain for everyone.

However, software developers who write operating systems, Web browsers, email clients, and other useful gadgets know this, and work to ensure that the data a user views using their software* cannot unexpectedly force unwanted code to run on the system.

With the ultimate system, totally secure against automated attacks, how do viruses still manage to exist and propagate? Well, let's see. The system's secure, but... wait! What's that sitting in front of the system? No, not the coffee mug... that's right, the USER! Gee, I wonder if the USER had anything to do with this?

That's right, Sober, and other worms, depend upon human stupidity to spread. Long gone are the days when a specially crafted e-mail could cause the software being used to read it to automatically execute an attachment.

Users are told time and time again to not open e-mail attachments unless they expect them, and they come from a known reputable source. However, well... we wouldn't have Sober spreading if not for stupid people plowing right in and running the attachment anyway.

What does 'stupid' mean, exactly? Stupidity implies a lack of knowledge and intelligence. One who does things that are stupid, after being warned repeatedly not to, is demonstrating a failure to absorb and utilize knowledge and information shared by others. And, as in the famous movie quote, "Stupid is as stupid does".

Therefore, stupidity is proven.

So what do we, as a great community of people using the great shared digital resource of the Internet need to do? We don't need to spend millions of dollars each year on anti-virus software. We need to convince stupid people not to breed**. Through the gradual regeneration of the human populace, this will ensure that we have a much nicer Internet and world in general in the generations to come. PROBLEM SOLVED!

* Exception: Microsoft Internet Explorer. DO NOT USE MICROSOFT INTERNET EXPLORER. Kthx.

** This goes DOUBLE for the Bush family. Please, PLEASE, do us a favor and stop contaminating the gene pool! Go get a freaking chastity belt or something. You have been PROVEN to be incapable of producing worthy offspring. Ye gods!

Clicking here signifies that you agree to NEVER OPEN AN UNKNOWN E-MAIL ATTACHMENT, for the duration of your natural life, under penalty of death by cute ninjas!