The Ultimate Sport-Futility Vehicle
(Or, horribly abusing that which I learned about the decision making process in engineering economics this afternoon.)

I have to confess, I own and will quite regularly use an SUV. It's a Jeep Comanche, complete with 21 speed manual transmission. (I'm most amused by the "SUV" sticker on the frame, that's all.)

Okay, so that aside - I really love riding a bike. Why? You get to experience more of your surroundings. Granted, that does mean getting to occasionally experience a huge blast of exhaust, or the smell of a canal full of rotting dead things once in a while, but all the rest is really quite interesting.

On a cool night, when everyone has their windows open, one can ride past and hear the sounds of families sitting down to dinner (certain neighborhoods also have a 5:30 PM occurence of the smell of arroz con pollo that you could set a high-accuracy digital timepiece by). The backroads of suburbia have a great symphony of smells to them; jasmine and gardena plants issue forth their heavy perfume which clings to the air, mango blossoms have... well, the weird smell of mango blossoms, and the smell of a thousand kitchens' cooking, blasted outside via the ductwork.

There are, however, people who would rather stick themselves and their fellow travellers inside a giant box and seal out this wonderful outside world, while contaminating it for everyone else. I mean, sometimes it's a necessity to use a normal vehicle, and that's ok; but then there are people who purchase the largest, most inefficient, and heaviest block of steel they can get their grubby consumer paws on, for no particularly good reason.

Of course, in my far more observant position, I've been able to come to some generalizations about the ideal type of vehicle for these people who really go all out in their contamination of the urban landscape... and sort of designed a vehicle to match.

*sound of switching into massive inverted pyramid of piffle mode*

holy crap they've 
gone artic!

The first thing one may notice about the ultimate SUV is its size and massive weight (~48 tons). There has been a generally rising trend in the size and weight of passenger vehicles, partially fueled by rumors that larger and heavier vehicles are safer to their occupants. Usually, though, these differences are very slight and practically insignificant! However, with the Ultimate SUV, the massive size and weight ensure that it will do well in a collision with even the largest of competitors' vehicles! Due to its weight and size exceeding certain federally mandated thresholds, the Ultimate SUV is not even required to be equipped with seat belts! You can't get much safer than this!

When we built the Ultimate SUV, we had in mind that a large SUV should be sporty and fun to drive. To realize this goal, we used the latest in power from an industry leader in high power engine technology - GM Electro-Motive Divison. EMD engines reliably power thousands of ships, locomotives, and high-capacity electrical generators worldwide. Our industry-leading 4,800 HP powerplant ensures you'll never miss a space in traffic again, and a special exhaust system has been fitted which beautifully resonates the engine's exhaust note for the admiration of all nearby.

Some SUVs have a lot of needless features designed for offroad use, which hinder performance in normal city and highway driving. We eliminated all of those pesky features, such as limited-slip differentials and all-wheel drive systems. After all, when did they ever build a Best Buy with mountains in the parking lot?

Those of you who once juggled countless distractions while driving will find the convenience features of the Ultimate SUV extremely refreshing. First of all, there is now a special dedicated cell phone dock with universal charging station mounted to the dash in convenient reach of the driver's position. Never have to fumble for your phone again when trying to answer a call! Furthermore, we have made substantial improvements over all car entertaiment systems, and installed the amazing result into the Ultimate SUV! No more trying to watch TV programs and movies on an in-dash monitor while driving - the Ultimate SUV projects video right onto the windshield, so you can keep your eyes on the road while watching!

Those of you who travel with your kids a lot will be pleased with the integrated child safety seat system installed in the Ultimate SUV. Despite the fact that federal regulations do not require passenger restraints for a vehicle this large, we decided to install a special system for the benefit of those of you parents whose kids distract you in your current vehicles! Since you need to keep your eyes on the road and your ears on the phone while driving, we've installed special child restraint seats with straps that cannot be released by the occupant (great for those fidgety kids who like to jump all around - why should YOU have to pay attention to them when you can instead have an excellent mechanical solution?) and acoustic sound cancellation. These seats can easily be converted at the flick of a lever and sliding of six easy to use hinged panels into similar seating for annoying adults.

Manuevering and parking will be a breeze, thanks to the Ultimate SUV's flexible body. Using a design proven highly sucessful on mass transit vehicles, the Ultimate SUV's chassis allows it to bend around turns, ensuring that you'll never have trouble getting into the supermarket parking lot again! The Ultimate SUV fits very nicely in any fire lane for fast and easy parking.

*sound of defenestrating myself to make my brain STFU*

Thank you very much.

Abandon your vehicle and run like hell...